Following January 5th pt.3

It is November and my wrestling season has officially begun. Returning to the mats since my injury has me anxious and scared as I don’t know how my skills are or my knee. I don’t remember much but it was an adjustment getting my cardio back up, reviewing skills, but more than anything bending my knee again, but I felt good and I just kept going. Though soon enough my fears became my reality once again. I don’t know what day was it specifically but in the middle of that November I was in the middle of reactive and once again I’m not sure if I sprawled or took a shot but I felt my knee turned shift and pop. As fast as it occurred I fell just as fast with pain, tears, and anxiety. I remember I cried out and kept saying “No No No, it happened again, it happened again”. I couldn’t get up all I could do was cling to my knee in agony. A teammate comes to my side and tries to comfort me, while the trainer comes. In distress I tell her that it occurred again and she’s concerned and tries to sooth me. It felt a sense of deja vu, like I just relieved the past. I remember feeling like God hated me, that he wanted me to suffer, that he joyed my suffering, and I just didn’t understand why. Though after about 12-15 minutes of sitting down I try to get up, and I could. I was still sore in pain but that fact that I was able to get up and walk was miracle enough for me. 

Days following I was fearful to return back to play, though everyone thought I was fine, and expected me back on the mats. So doing what was expected of me I continued, and as I knew my knee slid and popped, again, and again, and again. It was excruciating but coaches questioned if I really wanted this, did I want to be a wrestler, did I want to get good, did I want to go to regionals? Everyday I was tired, in pain, and scared, but I had to keep going because they made me question myself again “maybe this is all in my head” “maybe I’m being lazy” “maybe I don’t want this”, and I just wanted to prove them wrong. This happened continually throughout my season till my senior night. I knew I was hurt, I knew it was killing me, I knew it’d happen again, but this was my senior night. I’ve been waiting for this moment for 4 year! All I wanted was the moment to show my family I can wrestle, It would’ve all been their first time seeing me wrestle except for my mom. I’d have a walk up song  that I picked, and all lights will be off except for the spot light on me. It was going to be MY moment. 

Everything was decorated, all seniors had a big posters of them put up, and gift bags, and more posters were put up for them. There were balloons, streamers, and flowers. This was going to be the first ever Girls Senior Night for wrestling. As the team and I warmed up, we started to to take shots, my partner took a shot on me, and I sprawled, and once again I fell to the floor. I screamed for the last time as tears kept running down my cheek, this time was more painful than the last 5, I knew that it was over for me. The rest of my senior season was over, senior night was taken away from me, and I feared I could never wrestle again. As my one of my younger teammates that in a way looked up to me, (even though he was much taller), came to my aid. He knew my history with this injury. He picked me up with the upmost care, and tried comforting me, and put me in a seat. As all this occurred I saw that my boyfriend was just directed by my friend to the gym as he saw the very second I fell, I felt myself getting redder and redder with not only pain but embarrassment. I didn’t only feel embarrassed he saw, I felt embarrassed that several people saw. I tried to cover my face and tears continue to pour. The trainer comes to my side and tells me “that’s it, you can’t wrestle tonight”. I tried pleading with her, telling her that I’ve weighted 4 years for this moment, but all she tells me is that she knows but she cannot allow me to continue any longer. At this point my mother and boyfriend are at my side, and my brother is watching from across the room. I just feel the redness of my face, the tears rolling, and the agonizing strain at my knee, as I’m overwhelmed with distress, anger, and disappointment. And yet again it felt like another moment were it was the worst night of my life ever. Everyone see’s I’m emotional and tries to either comfort me or stay away, and I just felt a embarrassed they all saw me at my weakest yet again. I calm down the pain with ice, and drink water, as the matches start and I have to watch everyone have their moment. Though looking back I’m so thankful that my team mate (manny) stood by my side from the very beginning and to the end, he helped me feel better, and even cracked a few jokes, lightening my mood. During the match, I go over to my family, and they ask what happened and heartbroken I explain, inside it killed me. It would’ve been the first time they ever saw me wrestle, but now they just wasted their time and are there watching everyone else. Though by the end I accepted everything, and luckily my family went to get pizza, to at least in some way celebrate my senior night back a home.